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Constraints of Freedom

February 4, 2010

I am high.
Intoxicated… by the discoveries of my own mind… and the treasures that it leads me to…
Heady…with the freedom with which it dives into disturbia… and surfaces again… in brilliant clarity.
You know how it is. Sometimes, life is kind and epiphany refuses to leave you. The real world and all its f@#%- ups become extras in the unrelenting movie that your mind is filming. You finally get a glimpse of your raison d’etre (if it hasn’t happened to you already, i hope it does, because it is unbeatable, like I say each time) You might lose your phone connection if the bill isn’t paid tonight. That cool guy you met last night hasn’t called. In fact you saw him borrow a pen from the girl with the killer legs. Your boss raised the wrong eyebrow when you turned in your work.Your friends raised the wrong eyebrow when they saw your haircut. Your coworker is off to pick up those shoes you were eyeing.   Why aren’t you hyperventilating already?! Do you not see the doom? Oh yeah that’s right. Your invincible button is turned on. You are ON. You surfaced. Are you gonna float and breathe or worry about the sirens in the distance?

Float baby float! 
But then I have all these college applications to fill out and a passport application deadline and a Resume that needs to be rescued from the jaws of extinction but does it matter to me right now? I’m busy building a home of insight here. In the real world i am “relaxing”. In my head I’m a sweaty construction worker. I should like, live – in this world of ideas. I’d like to. Everything has its place here. Everything makes sense. Beautiful, poetic sense. So that just leaves one option. I declare myself delusional beyond help, impractical beyond saving and check myself into mental rehab.

Except that I already set my mind free! It does not like this solution! It will get its own. It starts figuring out the place of the real world in my ‘home’. It struggles. It starts frikkin’ wading again until it arrives at priorities and plans and action. Unimaginative, mundane, real world action. It discovers order. A creature of reason and a slave of meaning, I am helpless in the face of this discovery. I must follow it.
Tonight I decide to bring order. Not by force, but by simply opening my eyes to the right place of things. The right place of thoughts and activities. The right time of action. And when I see the place of something, it’s not in my place to disrupt it by not pursuing it. Wouldn’t I be disrespecting me own sense of reason? If follow-my-instincts is what I do, what I’d rather do, I have to go wherever they take me. Even if it’s a place they never wanna go to. 

When you don’t see any reason in doing things that u should be doing, you have to rise to the reason.

 Or pull yourself up to it.

So that they come naturally to u.

So that you arrive at them.

 Liberty in place.

Maybe then… freedom and discipline can strike the balance they never wanna strike?

If I had my way

P.S: Rabindranath Tagore definitely had a college-application to fill out when he said “Emancipation from the bondage of the soil, is no freedom for the tree”

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